Torn Apart

I have been on vacation from publishing my writings for 5 months but today i will post this.

      When your head seems so far from your feet when you right hand seems to far from the lefthand when your cold heart ices your whole body. When you long for is an embrace of love to warm you up but to no avail. You search for any where you could find peace to rest your body.
The problems outweigh her body, they seem to be drowning her. She tries to sail through but the problems keep raising. She looks for a way through but none seems to appear. She looks for something to cling on but she is lost in the weight of the whole world around. If you looked at her she would give you the warmest smile cause she's filled with insecurity and doubt that no one could help her in this situation. She's torn in between loving herself and letting go but not even her neighbor can smell of it. She believes in her strong self. She wakes every morning to a new day hoping for a miracle but breaks down when she reaches to her bed in the evening to her dismay. Nothing seems to change . The world seems not to be rotating anymore. "Why me?"she thinks to herself.. No one replies her not even her gut.
She wishes she was a little child with no worries..

Christians are Afraid of dating( That's why Everyone's still single)

I have been lazy to write one of these days but let me share something lovely I came across. I hope it will be helpful as you read.


Once upon a time, I freaked out about dating.
I was that Christian single girl who jumped on the bandwagon of kissing dating goodbye- except of course for dating Jesus.
I repressed my desire for dating and relationships with the opposite sex, and decided that courtship was the “holier” course of action for my life.  I bought into the lie that instead of actually DEALING with my fear of failure, or my fear of making mistakes, I could just sit back and do nothing, and pray that God would magically bring me a spouse.
Interacting with the opposite sex became this pressure-filled, awkward, sinful-feeling give and take that left me feeling confused, impatient, and totally lacking control.  I bought into the theory that dating was wrong and that the only way to find God’s one and only match for my life would be to wait for some sort of sign from God. Wasn’t that what it meant to have real faith?
So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.
In walks Mr. Prince-Somewhat-Charming.  He initiates, and I respond.  That’s how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?  (You bible-belt kids know exactly what I’m talking about!)  So excited to finally meet a man who pursued me I jumped at the chance to enter into a relationship with him.  I did everything right, so this MUST be right, I thought to myself. But the longer the relationship progressed, the more I began to feel that this relationship was not the right fit for my life.
The problem with my immature mentality is that it left no room for error, and that’s how I’d been trained to think.  Afraid of failure and of playing the dreaded dating game, I decided to stay in a relationship for far longer than I should have. A relationship that caused heart-ache, heart-break, and a whole lot of wasted time.
Though I wish I could change my relationship history, my choices make sense in the context of my former belief system.  I mean, the world of dating can be hard to navigate for a Christian.
First of all, Christian society and the Church at large hasn’t added much to the conversation. We’ve created a “fear culture” around the topic of dating. We hardly talk about it, and then when we do it’s all fire and brimstone freaking us out about choosing the wrong person to marry and waving the divorce rates over our heads. Add to that our parents – the baby-boomer generation – haven’t necessarily been the ideal role-models to depict a healthy, loving, marriage. So, we look to the world…
There, we’re bombarded by a culture that defines dating as this feel-good, romantic, emotionally-driven, sexual experience.  If something feels right, do it.  If someone feels right, do them.  It’s a culture that embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of relationship.  Commitment is trumped by chemistry and loyalty is replaced with lust.  It’s a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future.
It’s no wonder that Christians tend to freak out about dating.  And it’s no wonder we’re dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we’ve EVER had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives surrounding the topic of relationships, and then wonder why everyone’s still single!
Rather than trying to navigate through the world of dating in a healthy way, we either avoid it, or continue to do it in an unhealthy way.
But the truth is, God never intended us to live in fear, but rather in faith. God’s word reminds us that perfect love casts out fears. Not only that but in this world God has given us all the wisdom we need to live by faith! Wisdom and faith always go hand in hand. That includes every part of our life, including dating.
As I began to ask for wisdom in the area of dating and relationships, I began engaging in the balancing act between the world’s perspective of dating vs. the “Christian” perspective of dating, I found myself empowered and my relationships enhanced.  I finally felt that I was able to take control of my life and relationships, rather than allowing my culture and sub-culture to take control of me.  When it came to striking the right balance, I finally stopped freaking out when I began to consider these concepts in light of my relationships:
1. Date to know Yourself better:  A crucial component to finding a healthy relationship is the concept of getting to know yourself.  You can’t know what you want or what you need in a relationship until you get to know who you are.  It’s important to begin this journey long before you are in a dating relationship, but to then allow this process to extend into your dating relationships.
You can learn so much about yourself as you engage in relationships with the people around you.  Use this time to reflect on who you are, what you want, and where you are going.  See your interactions as a reflection of your strengths, weaknesses, actions and reactions.  Be observant and aware so that you can use each and every relationship in your life to become a better version of yourself.
2. Take it one date at a time:  Everything good in life happens as a result of time.  Like a beautiful blossom- growth, intimacy, and commitment in a relationship are all things that require life’s natural unfolding to bring them into full bloom.  If time brings things into fruition, why do Christians psyche themselves out into thinking that they have to know if that person is “the one” within 24 hours of meeting them!  Talk about some serious pressure.   It’s no wonder she’s afraid to text him back, and he’s afraid to ask her out for coffee.
Maybe it’s time to relax a little, and trust God to lead you into the right relationship one step at a time.  If you are following His leading, waiting for His peace, and trusting the internal wisdom He’s given you- one step at a time will always lead you into the right direction or guide you out of the wrong direction.  You don’t have to know if they’re “the one” as long as you’re in tune with the Almighty One.  So have faith…and then take the next step.
3. Date toward no regrets:  Though the modern concept of dating is not mentioned in Scripture, principles of interacting with one another are littered throughout.  Applying these standards to your actions and interactions will give you guidance and direction in interacting with the opposite sex with no regrets.  We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging, and uplifting (1 Thess. 5:11).  We are asked to refrain from arousing our sexual desires prematurely, reserving them to be expressed in a permanent covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3).  We are encouraged to see everything that we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).  Why not see dating as just another means to this glorious end?
After some self reflection, I finally realized that I was using dating as the scapegoat, rather than addressing my baggage, my fears and my deep-seated insecurities.  When I finally came to terms with the reality that dating was not the enemy, I was freed to address my own sinfulness and take accountability for my interactions with the opposite sex.  At the end of the day, I realized that by making willful decisions, I could take control of my relationships rather than allowing them to take control of me.
Christians, it’s time to change the subculture that we have created that cringes in fear at the thought of interacting with the opposite sex, because we’re teaching the next generation to live in fear, not in faith.   
It’s time to stop freaking out about dating and see it as an opportunity for growth, insight, and right relationships.  It’s time to take the pressure off of “finding the one” and instead learn to glorify The One through every single interaction that we have with the world around us.  Dating included.

Once upon a time, I freaked out about dating.
I was that Christian single girl who jumped on the bandwagon of kissing dating goodbye- except of course for dating Jesus.
I repressed my desire for dating and relationships with the opposite sex, and decided that courtship was the “holier” course of action for my life.  I bought into the lie that instead of actually DEALING with my fear of failure, or my fear of making mistakes, I could just sit back and do nothing, and pray that God would magically bring me a spouse.
Interacting with the opposite sex became this pressure-filled, awkward, sinful-feeling give and take that left me feeling confused, impatient, and totally lacking control.  I bought into the theory that dating was wrong and that the only way to find God’s one and only match for my life would be to wait for some sort of sign from God. Wasn’t that what it meant to have real faith?
So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.
In walks Mr. Prince-Somewhat-Charming.  He initiates, and I respond.  That’s how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?  (You bible-belt kids know exactly what I’m talking about!)  So excited to finally meet a man who pursued me I jumped at the chance to enter into a relationship with him.  I did everything right, so this MUST be right, I thought to myself. But the longer the relationship progressed, the more I began to feel that this relationship was not the right fit for my life.
The problem with my immature mentality is that it left no room for error, and that’s how I’d been trained to think.  Afraid of failure and of playing the dreaded dating game, I decided to stay in a relationship for far longer than I should have. A relationship that caused heart-ache, heart-break, and a whole lot of wasted time.
Though I wish I could change my relationship history, my choices make sense in the context of my former belief system.  I mean, the world of dating can be hard to navigate for a Christian.
First of all, Christian society and the Church at large hasn’t added much to the conversation. We’ve created a “fear culture” around the topic of dating. We hardly talk about it, and then when we do it’s all fire and brimstone freaking us out about choosing the wrong person to marry and waving the divorce rates over our heads. Add to that our parents – the baby-boomer generation – haven’t necessarily been the ideal role-models to depict a healthy, loving, marriage. So, we look to the world…
There, we’re bombarded by a culture that defines dating as this feel-good, romantic, emotionally-driven, sexual experience.  If something feels right, do it.  If someone feels right, do them.  It’s a culture that embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of relationship.  Commitment is trumped by chemistry and loyalty is replaced with lust.  It’s a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future.
It’s no wonder that Christians tend to freak out about dating.  And it’s no wonder we’re dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we’ve EVER had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives surrounding the topic of relationships, and then wonder why everyone’s still single!
Rather than trying to navigate through the world of dating in a healthy way, we either avoid it, or continue to do it in an unhealthy way.
But the truth is, God never intended us to live in fear, but rather in faith. God’s word reminds us that perfect love casts out fears. Not only that but in this world God has given us all the wisdom we need to live by faith! Wisdom and faith always go hand in hand. That includes every part of our life, including dating.
As I began to ask for wisdom in the area of dating and relationships, I began engaging in the balancing act between the world’s perspective of dating vs. the “Christian” perspective of dating, I found myself empowered and my relationships enhanced.  I finally felt that I was able to take control of my life and relationships, rather than allowing my culture and sub-culture to take control of me.  When it came to striking the right balance, I finally stopped freaking out when I began to consider these concepts in light of my relationships:
1. Date to know Yourself better:  A crucial component to finding a healthy relationship is the concept of getting to know yourself.  You can’t know what you want or what you need in a relationship until you get to know who you are.  It’s important to begin this journey long before you are in a dating relationship, but to then allow this process to extend into your dating relationships.
You can learn so much about yourself as you engage in relationships with the people around you.  Use this time to reflect on who you are, what you want, and where you are going.  See your interactions as a reflection of your strengths, weaknesses, actions and reactions.  Be observant and aware so that you can use each and every relationship in your life to become a better version of yourself.
2. Take it one date at a time:  Everything good in life happens as a result of time.  Like a beautiful blossom- growth, intimacy, and commitment in a relationship are all things that require life’s natural unfolding to bring them into full bloom.  If time brings things into fruition, why do Christians psyche themselves out into thinking that they have to know if that person is “the one” within 24 hours of meeting them!  Talk about some serious pressure.   It’s no wonder she’s afraid to text him back, and he’s afraid to ask her out for coffee.
Maybe it’s time to relax a little, and trust God to lead you into the right relationship one step at a time.  If you are following His leading, waiting for His peace, and trusting the internal wisdom He’s given you- one step at a time will always lead you into the right direction or guide you out of the wrong direction.  You don’t have to know if they’re “the one” as long as you’re in tune with the Almighty One.  So have faith…and then take the next step.
3. Date toward no regrets:  Though the modern concept of dating is not mentioned in Scripture, principles of interacting with one another are littered throughout.  Applying these standards to your actions and interactions will give you guidance and direction in interacting with the opposite sex with no regrets.  We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging, and uplifting (1 Thess. 5:11).  We are asked to refrain from arousing our sexual desires prematurely, reserving them to be expressed in a permanent covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3).  We are encouraged to see everything that we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).  Why not see dating as just another means to this glorious end?
After some self reflection, I finally realized that I was using dating as the scapegoat, rather than addressing my baggage, my fears and my deep-seated insecurities.  When I finally came to terms with the reality that dating was not the enemy, I was freed to address my own sinfulness and take accountability for my interactions with the opposite sex.  At the end of the day, I realized that by making willful decisions, I could take control of my relationships rather than allowing them to take control of me.
Christians, it’s time to change the subculture that we have created that cringes in fear at the thought of interacting with the opposite sex, because we’re teaching the next generation to live in fear, not in faith.   
It’s time to stop freaking out about dating and see it as an opportunity for growth, insight, and right relationships.  It’s time to take the pressure off of “finding the one” and instead learn to glorify The One through every single interaction that we have with the world around us.  Dating included.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter! 
- See more at: http://truelovedates.com/christians-are-afraid-of-dating/?utm_source=True+Love+Dates+-+Love+for+your+Inbox%21&utm_campaign=96ad35571e-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6ea073922e-96ad35571e-207185485#sthash.reg4srZY.dpuf

Once upon a time, I freaked out about dating.
I was that Christian single girl who jumped on the bandwagon of kissing dating goodbye- except of course for dating Jesus.
I repressed my desire for dating and relationships with the opposite sex, and decided that courtship was the “holier” course of action for my life.  I bought into the lie that instead of actually DEALING with my fear of failure, or my fear of making mistakes, I could just sit back and do nothing, and pray that God would magically bring me a spouse.
Interacting with the opposite sex became this pressure-filled, awkward, sinful-feeling give and take that left me feeling confused, impatient, and totally lacking control.  I bought into the theory that dating was wrong and that the only way to find God’s one and only match for my life would be to wait for some sort of sign from God. Wasn’t that what it meant to have real faith?
So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.
In walks Mr. Prince-Somewhat-Charming.  He initiates, and I respond.  That’s how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?  (You bible-belt kids know exactly what I’m talking about!)  So excited to finally meet a man who pursued me I jumped at the chance to enter into a relationship with him.  I did everything right, so this MUST be right, I thought to myself. But the longer the relationship progressed, the more I began to feel that this relationship was not the right fit for my life.
The problem with my immature mentality is that it left no room for error, and that’s how I’d been trained to think.  Afraid of failure and of playing the dreaded dating game, I decided to stay in a relationship for far longer than I should have. A relationship that caused heart-ache, heart-break, and a whole lot of wasted time.
Though I wish I could change my relationship history, my choices make sense in the context of my former belief system.  I mean, the world of dating can be hard to navigate for a Christian.
First of all, Christian society and the Church at large hasn’t added much to the conversation. We’ve created a “fear culture” around the topic of dating. We hardly talk about it, and then when we do it’s all fire and brimstone freaking us out about choosing the wrong person to marry and waving the divorce rates over our heads. Add to that our parents – the baby-boomer generation – haven’t necessarily been the ideal role-models to depict a healthy, loving, marriage. So, we look to the world…
There, we’re bombarded by a culture that defines dating as this feel-good, romantic, emotionally-driven, sexual experience.  If something feels right, do it.  If someone feels right, do them.  It’s a culture that embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of relationship.  Commitment is trumped by chemistry and loyalty is replaced with lust.  It’s a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future.
It’s no wonder that Christians tend to freak out about dating.  And it’s no wonder we’re dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we’ve EVER had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives surrounding the topic of relationships, and then wonder why everyone’s still single!
Rather than trying to navigate through the world of dating in a healthy way, we either avoid it, or continue to do it in an unhealthy way.
But the truth is, God never intended us to live in fear, but rather in faith. God’s word reminds us that perfect love casts out fears. Not only that but in this world God has given us all the wisdom we need to live by faith! Wisdom and faith always go hand in hand. That includes every part of our life, including dating.
As I began to ask for wisdom in the area of dating and relationships, I began engaging in the balancing act between the world’s perspective of dating vs. the “Christian” perspective of dating, I found myself empowered and my relationships enhanced.  I finally felt that I was able to take control of my life and relationships, rather than allowing my culture and sub-culture to take control of me.  When it came to striking the right balance, I finally stopped freaking out when I began to consider these concepts in light of my relationships:
1. Date to know Yourself better:  A crucial component to finding a healthy relationship is the concept of getting to know yourself.  You can’t know what you want or what you need in a relationship until you get to know who you are.  It’s important to begin this journey long before you are in a dating relationship, but to then allow this process to extend into your dating relationships.
You can learn so much about yourself as you engage in relationships with the people around you.  Use this time to reflect on who you are, what you want, and where you are going.  See your interactions as a reflection of your strengths, weaknesses, actions and reactions.  Be observant and aware so that you can use each and every relationship in your life to become a better version of yourself.
2. Take it one date at a time:  Everything good in life happens as a result of time.  Like a beautiful blossom- growth, intimacy, and commitment in a relationship are all things that require life’s natural unfolding to bring them into full bloom.  If time brings things into fruition, why do Christians psyche themselves out into thinking that they have to know if that person is “the one” within 24 hours of meeting them!  Talk about some serious pressure.   It’s no wonder she’s afraid to text him back, and he’s afraid to ask her out for coffee.
Maybe it’s time to relax a little, and trust God to lead you into the right relationship one step at a time.  If you are following His leading, waiting for His peace, and trusting the internal wisdom He’s given you- one step at a time will always lead you into the right direction or guide you out of the wrong direction.  You don’t have to know if they’re “the one” as long as you’re in tune with the Almighty One.  So have faith…and then take the next step.
3. Date toward no regrets:  Though the modern concept of dating is not mentioned in Scripture, principles of interacting with one another are littered throughout.  Applying these standards to your actions and interactions will give you guidance and direction in interacting with the opposite sex with no regrets.  We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging, and uplifting (1 Thess. 5:11).  We are asked to refrain from arousing our sexual desires prematurely, reserving them to be expressed in a permanent covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3).  We are encouraged to see everything that we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).  Why not see dating as just another means to this glorious end?
After some self reflection, I finally realized that I was using dating as the scapegoat, rather than addressing my baggage, my fears and my deep-seated insecurities.  When I finally came to terms with the reality that dating was not the enemy, I was freed to address my own sinfulness and take accountability for my interactions with the opposite sex.  At the end of the day, I realized that by making willful decisions, I could take control of my relationships rather than allowing them to take control of me.
Christians, it’s time to change the subculture that we have created that cringes in fear at the thought of interacting with the opposite sex, because we’re teaching the next generation to live in fear, not in faith.   
It’s time to stop freaking out about dating and see it as an opportunity for growth, insight, and right relationships.  It’s time to take the pressure off of “finding the one” and instead learn to glorify The One through every single interaction that we have with the world around us.  Dating included.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter! 
- See more at: http://truelovedates.com/christians-are-afraid-of-dating/?utm_source=True+Love+Dates+-+Love+for+your+Inbox%21&utm_campaign=96ad35571e-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6ea073922e-96ad35571e-207185485#sthash.reg4srZY.dpuf

Hope Refreshed: FIVE MUSTS TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE

Hope Refreshed: FIVE MUSTS TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE: Hey, I found this in one of the blogs I read. I thought I would share especially if you have any plans to be married anytime from n...

FIVE MUSTS TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE

Hey, I found this in one of the blogs I read. I thought I would share especially if you have any plans to be married anytime from now. Be blessed.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
After the Slow-Internet Marriage Test is complete (throw a baby in the room and a dog with a bladder control problem to get the full picture), what else should you be looking for in a spouse?
There is no greater decision in your life than who you will marry.
My marriage is the absolute best, most integral, most encouraging aspect of my life. And I’m not just writing this because my wife edits every article I write! (Naomi, you look amazing in those sweatpants by the way and I love what the two-year-old has done with your hair).
Who you marry can propel the rest of your life or make it explode. What traits do you need to be looking for in the other person (and yourself!) to help make marriage not only last, but thrive.
1. Honesty
If you can’t trust, you can’t love. 
You can’t dive into a relationship if you’re waiting for the truth to tackle you from behind.
Don’t look for a spouse that doesn’t make any mistakes. Look for someone that yes makes mistakes, and then owns up to them. If you’re dating someone that feels dangerously too good to be true, than they probably are.
In my new book All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! I tell the uncouth and unbelievable story of how I met my wife Naomi and how love can come at your worst moment, yet still at the best possible time.
Yet, what made our relationship really work was blunt-force-honesty. Naomi didn’t let my secrets hide. As I write in All Groan Up,“She didn’t shy away from calling out my “stuff” and asking me the questions she knew I was petrified to ask myself. There was no beating around the bush; instead she lit that bush on fire to see what I was trying to hide behind it.”
Don’t marry someone who is in hiding. Because when they finally make the grand reveal, you might not like what you see.
In marriage, four hands are on the wheel. If you can’t trust the person next to you to keep the car on the road when you close your eyes, how can you ride next to them?
2.  Sense of Faithful Exploration
Going into marriage, both your futures are this dimly lit mountain pass.
You can’t sit still at the bottom of the mountain and expect your dreams, purpose, and place in this world to just arrive. You need to explore, together.
So much of your twenties and thirties is keeping your bags packed, ready to venture into the next great unknown. I really think you and your spouse have to be willing to embrace ambiguity together. Willing to be at peace while life feels in disarray.
Life will never be completely known, so will you have someone there next to you when you step into all that is unknown. Or will you be by yourself? Is your partner in this for the comfort and security, or will they be willing to take some risks?
3. Common Core Values
As I write in 15 Questions You Need to Ask When Dating: “Too many marriages start (and end) with vague and un-identified core values.”
I’d describe core values as beliefs that are fundamental to how you are wired, guiding your actions, thoughts, plans, and purpose on this earth.
You may not know what they are, but you have certain values that guide the way you think, act, and react.
Opposites attract, but not when it comes to your core values.
If one person values security and the other adventure, those values might crash together head first.
If one values family and the other career at all cost, those values might pull you far apart.
If one values faith, and the other does not, how deep can your well go down into the ground together?
If your core values can’t dance together, then you’ll keep tripping, falling and wondering why you can’t move together in rhythm.
4. Self-Awareness
Too many of us go into relationships expecting the other person to be our clarity. 
Stop looking for the right person, and start working on becoming the right person.
Self-awareness is an underrated skill. Not knowing how you’re coming off to other people or what you’re about can be a serious problem in a relationship.
If you don’t know who you are, how can you expect the person you love to have a clue?
If the person you’re with doesn’t really know who they are, how can you know who you’re really marrying?
Don’t look for a spouse that has an obsession of self, but someone who has a healthy understanding of self.
Look for someone that is able to honestly look themselves in the mirror with a mix of humility and confidence.
I don’t think for many of us self-awareness comes naturally. I think self-awareness comes from asking yourself hard questions.
Those who are self-aware are able to move forward with more intentionality and purpose.
5. Adaptability, Resiliency, and Commitment
Being in a successful marriage is about adapting to changes as they come, having the resiliency to move forward under difficult circumstances, and a commitment to see it through, hand in hand.
Will life’s pressures forge you together, or break you apart?
We need more people in marriages who are willing to roll up their sleeves and fight for each other. For our families. For our futures.
Let us be wise and resilient.
How does the person you’re dating respond to hardships? Do they give up right away or do they grit their teeth and keep fighting for their future.
In those early years of marriage life will be laced with uncertainty, failure, and setbacks as we struggle to find our purpose and place. As I write in All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job!, “Like that long road trip where you’re nearing home and really need to pee, everything takes a lot longer and is a tad more intense than you realized you could handle.”
I mean, it took me ten years to see my newest book finally happen! All the dead-ends and do-overs within those 3,650 days could fill all of Rhode Island. There’s no way it ever happens without the commitment and support of my wife.
When I stopped believing in myself, my wife reminded me of truths I could no longer see.
We are committed to each other, not to the ebb and flow of success. It’s not easy, but it is powerful.

DEALING WITH YOUR TOXIC MUM

Well, tomorrow is mothers day and I found this in some blog. I was blessed when I read and I thought I could especially for people who are like me in this.

Mother’s Day is the most celebrated holiday according to Hallmark sales. But for those of us with difficult moms, we feel an added stress: a mother wound.
I was often afraid of my mom. I frequently cried because of the painful words she would sling at me. At night, I would pull up my blankets and stay very quiet, until she’d stop yelling at me. When she finally went to sleep, I’d pull out my flashlight and read. I read until all the words that cut into me would fade, and I’d fall asleep, pouring my heart out to Jesus, asking him to change how things were between us.
As I grew up into an adult and became a mom myself, I struggled to acknowledge that my difficult mom relationship didn’t change. I could never meet her expectations well enough, even though I tried to the best of my ability and the detriment of my sanity, and prayed about it my whole life.
It’s an unspoken taboo to talk about it. But some of us have difficult moms. It’s a reality that we find hard to share, but it’s true.
Especially in our Christian culture, we don’t want others to misjudge us as unloving or unforgiving daughters.

We are afraid people won’t understand that even if we know Jesus loves us, we can feel despairing and unloved, relating with a difficult mom. So, we keep quiet.
But God knows our hurts and he understands the complexities of human relationships, especially when they are broken. It is important to know we are not alone. Many of us struggle with moms who struggle with their brokenness.
There is hope for those of us with difficult moms. As children adopted into a new, spiritual family, with God as our loving Heavenly Father, we can find guidance in our difficult mom relationships. We can also receive the nurture we long for, even if we have a difficult mom.
Here are 7 ways to find healing when you have a toxic mother:
1. You don’t have to be ashamed.
“But now… listen to the Lord who created you… the one who formed you says, "Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine.” Is.43:1
We carry a tremendous amount of shame and guilt and think, if only we did x, y or z, our mothers would no longer be angry, sad or troubled. We can feel lost. But, God created us and loves us intimately. We belong to God. He calls us his, unconditionally.
Our mothers also belong to God. We are not responsible to fix our mother’s faults and brokenness. God is responsible for our mothers, not us.
2. You need to grieve your losses.
“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” Ps.27:10
There comes a time we need to accept to the reality of our difficult mom, and grieve the death of our expectations and dreams for our ideal mom, so we can grow into daughters of a loving Father. With God’s comfort and our friends, we let go of the mom we wish we had, to gain wisdom and courage to relate to the real mom we do have.
As we allow God to re-parent us with what we need, we find faith and courage to trust God to meet our needs through him and other loving people.
3. You can experience freedom with the truth.“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:33
It’s important to God that we trust him with the truth, even if it hurts. We experience an intimate rest with God, when are vulnerable and give him burdens we were never meant to carry.
We can begin to make different choices that are healthy for ourselves, our spouses and children, and break hurtful, old patterns. We stop becoming enablers for our difficult moms, so they can face the truth with God, too.
4. Redefine motherhood. Receive mothering from your spiritual family.
When the crowds told Jesus his mother and brothers were standing outside, waiting to see him, Jesus shockingly answered, "Who are my mother and my brothers? My mother and my brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it." Mk3:33, Lk8:21.
Jesus redefined family as God’s spiritual family. God gives us earthly families, but ultimately, we are adopted by God as his child, into a new family of believers, fueled by love and grace, instead of dysfunctional family rules and expectations.
Seek out friendships and invest in new relationships with other women of faith who can give you the encouragement, to be who God created you to be, who are gracious, kind and good listeners.
5. Your forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation.
"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." Matt. 6:12
Forgiving someone's debt means taking the offense off the "this person owes me an apology" list. It means we cross it off as "paid in full".
Instead of waiting for the offending person to love us back, stop hurting us, give us acceptance or belonging, we look to Jesus to restore what was lost to us.
But, forgiveness does not mean trust is freely granted or automatically restored. Forgiveness does not mean you don't have boundaries, if their actions are unhealthy or cause you emotional, spiritual, physical harm.
Forgiveness takes just one. But, reconciliation takes two.
Reconciliation is possible when the person who hurts us wants to make amends and repair the trust that was broken. But, sometimes, reconciliation may not be possible. For a season. Or longer.
We can keep forgiving our mothers, even if reconciliation may not be possible, until other changes are made. We put our faith and trust in God’s work and timetable instead of our own.
6. You need to establish boundaries.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, life at pace with everyone.” Rom.12:18
A relationship is two-way. As powerful as he is, God will not force everyone into a loving relationship. God never intends for us to live another person’s life or allow anyone else to control us.
Honouring our parents does not mean open borders to toxicity, fear or intimidation to manipulate into being fashioned in someone else's image.
7. Have hope, open up and share. There is a season for everything.
“There is a time for everything, and a season… a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up..” Eccl.3:3
As I took these steps of faith with my own difficult mother, I began to open up and share my journey. As I did, I began to connect with others, grow and heal.
God’s word tells us in Ecclesiastes, there are different seasons of our lives. We have hope. Not because life is perfect, but God’s love for us is perfect.
Although these may not all apply to you, offer grace and understanding to support others walking through different seasons in their relationship with mom.
What the world needs isn’t a pain-free version of our story. What the world needs is a compassionate, open heart that makes space to share real stories.
Jesus knew this. That is why Jesus lived and even resurrected with a broken body and a broken story of pain, suffering and betrayal.
So that you and I can become God’s place of rest.
So that we can become daughters of a loving Heavenly Father who calls us his.

Thanks for reading.
God Bless you.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

OLD FASHIONED!

Well there's a lot that rings in my mind as I write this post. This generation (this saying makes me sound old haha anyway) has quite a lot of things which has made life easier I don't know if it's because people have become wiser. There's so much technology.

In the African traditional society wisdom came with age. Wisdom included integrity, character behaviour and all those good things. In this age,there are a lot of wise young people these days with a lot of rotten character. Maybe it's because wisdom is defined differently. Wisdom in our generation stops at technology and theoretical work. Stuff like integrity good behaviour are by the ways. These days people don't have integrity, people are arrogant to you when you enter their office,others are disrespecting their parents, abusing people in authority like the police, members of parliament swindling public funds there are lots of it. I prefer to be called old-fashioned but I find this so disgusting.I will never understand the logic behind disrespecting elders, drinking intoxicated drinks every time you are celebrating or just for no occasion at all.

Call me old-fashioned but I worship a God who was a carpenter while He lived on earth. He predicted his own death and resurrection and pulled it off. He died so that I may have life and life in abundance.

Call me old-fashioned all you want but I believe in being humble other than being proud. James 4; 6, The Lord resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. There's also an english saying Pride comes before a fall. I would rather be humble.

Call me old-fashioned but I believe in sex after marriage. Uhm there's a lot erotic pictures, movies, books name it that has perverted even young children's mind. God made sex for married people and He had his own reason. Sex is a gift God gave to the married. People don't do these things because they don't know that's it wrong but because its old-fashioned to be a virgin. This is a whole topic for another day.

Call me old-fashioned but I will continue going to church every Sunday. I go to pray not because I don't pray everyday or because I cannot read my Bible but it is in Hebrews 10;25 not give up the habit of meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another. When we go to church we encourage one another and we learn, it's not for showbiz.

Call me old-fashioned but I wont stop kneeling to greet my elders and continue respecting my parents. Exodus 20;12, God promised long life if you obey your mother and father.

Call me old-fashioned but I will never go to the club on Friday, I don't celebrate for no achievement at all. Go drink myself silly and dance as if I have my life all laid out. Even if I did, there's so much to life other than putting myself at a risk of temptation. Temptations come to everyone even Jesus was tempted when he came on earth. Why not have my goodnight sleep or spend my night in an overnight. The Bible says better is one day in the house of the Lord than a thousand else where. If I want to celebrate I can go play my music in my room and dance with my friends.

Call me old-fashioned but I will always give a smile to people I meet on the way. Show the love of God to everyone maybe its your smile that will make someone's day.
Call me old-fashioned but I will not abuse you or quarrel because you have wronged me. Jesus fights my battles and the victory is mine period.

I am not saying these things because I am perfect but we all stumble and fall but we have to get up all that matters is what your goal is. There are so many people with no goals in life. They just follow the crowd. I am going to standout even though I am the only one standing.
#How about you just smile to your neighbour today or you to stop partying every Friday and start going to church every Sunday. Life has a lot in store for you just if you choose to live old-fashioned like me.


#Hope's random thoughts
Stay Blessed.

BLESSING

I am not sure what I am about to write but I am writing anyway. Words cannot exactly express what I feel at heart. I have been quite busy with housework but I am here now.
It's 2 years back when I met this amazing soul who has been a blessing ever since and is still a blessing. I got to know her through our mums, personally I don't remember  everything but she  does. She actually said i saved her name as some babe because I had forgotten her name. We become closer when we were roomies in first year. We did things together, we loved similar stuff. We connected so faster as if we had known each other forever. We become so close at a snap of a finger . hihi
I am talking about  a person who is in my circle now, a girl who is my anchor, my pp , my Darlington, my best friend, ex-roomie and sister. She has so many titles but her parents named her Mercy.
Mercy is the best thing that ever happened to me. She is beautiful, caring, loving,sweet, adorable, smart, loving. She watches over my back, wishes the best for all her friends, she's selfless, she is one in a million friend. This girl defines true friendship. The things she has done for me are enumerable, she actually wrote a  blog on my birthday week daily. I can't repay for her for all she has done for me but I appreciate her and I am grateful to God for this friendship.

Today is this Angels birthday I am even lost words to wish her for her birthday. Mercy I celebrate you on this day because you are my hero. May God grant many more years so that I can continue enjoying this beautiful friendship. May God bless your plans, your relationship and dreams. I pray that on this day God's favour rests upon your life forever. May you be fruitful and may God bless the works of your hands.
I love you so much. Thank for you for being a true friend, for not judging me at any one time, for making me feel part of your family, for giving me your shoulder to lean on and cry on, for being there for me, for being selfless,for encouraging me when I was down, for being happy with me when I was happy, for wishing for me the very best in everything, for praying with me and opening up your heart for me to live in. This list is endless. You are magnificent, and incomparable.
Happy Happy birthday sweetest friend, sister, Darlington. I love you to the moon and back!!